WitnessThinks…It’s Time To Move.

Complete with a seasonally irrelevant dual fleur de lis and a subtle floral pattern background, this wonderfully inconsiderate bumper sticker is Bill O’Reilly’s new holiday money maker.

By a stroke of fate (or perhaps divine intervention), I caught a split second of his show the other day. While taking a break from his usual sociopathic diatribe to peddle his assortment of O’Reilly brand books, coffee mugs and white hoods, he unveiled this brand new bumper sticker. Bill has a problem with stores using the culturally sensitive “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas”. A righteous complaint, considering all Americans are equipped at birth with a biological sensor that determines the religious orientation of all human beings within its proximity.

Supplementing this masterpiece of adhesive, his website calls on Americans to “Show Your Support For Christmas!”. Clearly, O’Reilly has selflessly chosen to carry the torch for this seasonal underdog through the cavernous depths of underrepresented Christian America. And what better way to practice the tolerance and equality of traditional Christian values than to discredit the cultural alignment of your fellow man with a fashionable automotive statement?  Besides, in today’s tough economy, the only way to get out of the red is with the green and I’m pretty sure those colors don’t come without a side of Jesus.

I was in the store the other day and came across these:

Crayola has finally seen the light.

But I was raised in an age where you approached a racially paved crossroad when it came time to break out the crayons and do some coloring. “Indian Red” seemed like an obvious choice for the befeathered guests in the Thanksgiving setting, but that was also in Second Grade, before I learned that both “Indian” and “Red” were kind of offensive in context to Native Americans. Yellow for Asians also seemed strange to me. Not just because I had never seen someone with yellow skin, but also because I wasn’t one of those privileged enough to own the 250 count box set of crayons with the sharpener on the side. This meant that the only yellow I had in my arsenal was that obscene French’s mustard color and that just wouldn’t fly.

But it wasn’t until you had to color black people and white people that you were forced to make some heavy choices for the sake of realism. I remember holding a peach crayon against the skin of my hand, knowing full well that I was way too pasty to be considered “peach”. But white, like the black crayon, would be a caricature of any existing skin tone. Brown, the same color I was using for tree bark, didn’t make much sense either.

While rummaging through the attic at my parent’s house this week, I found a stockpile of old coloring books and 1st grade class projects. To my surprise, I found that in most of these pictures, I left human skin blank. Sadly, I’m pretty sure that decision was fueled more by my anxiety and disapproval of such an inappropriately limited pallet than a deep, prepubescent understanding of racial equality, though.

Regardless, I also found a project where we had to color plants and leaves that I got an embarrassingly low grade on. The reason?

“There are no such things as blue leaves” in red pen.

Fuck you, Mrs. Morgan.

…for various reasons. Five in particular…

1. “Don’t worry bro, just because she’s into things like politics doesn’t mean you can’t bang her! Just throw some bullshit around to get her back to your apartment. Remember, get your rocks off by any means possible!”

2. What’s the backup plan for when she realizes he doesn’t even have a blog?

3. Since when do people blog together?

4. I’m sick of advertising campaigns cobbled together by technologically challenged 40+ year olds who seem to think that tacking on the words “blog”, “text message” or throwing a lower case “i” before a product name will engage the thirty and younger demographic. Doesn’t even matter if it pertains to the product itself; it’s the year two thousand, man!

5. This also applies to “green” ads that have beaten the Apple commercial template to death. Scene: Speaker standing center stage against a hyper-minimalist white backdrop, discussing how their multi-billion dollar corporation is saving the planet because they gave some bread to wind energy while a melodramatic, cookie-cutter indie rock tune is swelling with synths. Finish with logo against white backdrop.

Dumping shit in the ocean? No sweat.
Throw a Postal Service substitute on the decks and clear the record! We’re going green!

But yo Twix…
Really?

I’ve decided to revive the “Witness Thinks” blog.

Though I thought it was read by a scant few and enjoyed by even fewer, I’ve received some emails that indicate that people were actually reading it. Not only that, it served as a hell of a sounding board for the myriad of aimless ideas that I juggle on a daily basis. Unfortunately, changing servers and cleaning up the index of the main website lead to a lot of dead links on the original blog and having such a patchy, inconsistent page deterred me from writing new entries. It ended after one year and I think that’s a solid number.

So it’s time to start anew.
Keeping tradition of the old, I’ll be using this as a place to rant about the inane and document my experiences as an indie hip hop artist, part time internet transient and aspiring Bulletball player. Maybe I’ll even post some n00ds.