WitnessThinks…It’s Time To Move.

…who says or does any of the following in the 2010, I’m leaving the country:

1. “I can be the nicest girl you’ve ever met, but if you cross me…”

I hear variants of this in the tri-state area of the east coast and it generally tends to be part of some kind of introductory sentence or self description. Not entirely sure why anyone would assume that such an unnecessarily threatening sentence would intrigue someone they just met, but can you imagine how unsettling it would be if a man said something similar? “I’m a fairly affable guy, but if you do anything I don’t like, I will fucking hurt you or someone close.”

2. “Not looking for drama or anyone who plays head games.”

A. The people who actually say this are the most dramatic people you’ve ever met.
B. This warning will not deter anyone interested in playing with your head.

3. “I just love having fun.”

Oh, word? Deal breaker. Fun is for assholes. This fits well with similarly profound statements like “I eat food” and “I have to sleep every night”.

4. “All of my friends are guys…”

If you’re reading this, you’ve no doubt met at least ten women in your life who say this or maybe you’re one of them. For one, it doesn’t particularly pique my interest when you tell me you have difficulty interacting with members of your own gender. And while I don’t think it necessarily has promiscuous implications, it definitely solidifies that you have some kind of mild social dysfunction. Ironically, most women I meet who say this have very few female friends because they claim other girls are “too catty” and not interested in being amicable. Unfortunately, the aforementioned “catty” girls they have trouble befriending also feel the exact same way. So…why aren’t you friends?

5. “Megan Fox is amazing.”

Sweet. Let’s get another generation of girls with poor female role models going. The last 20 years haven’t been bad enough. We need an abysmally shallow, faux bisexual with a history of eating disorders, cutting and general anger issues teaching our young women about the power of vagina. And all of you twenty something ladies can help lead them towards the light by glorifying this fine, upstanding woman. God Speed. (Also, shitty movies.)

But fear not, I have another 5 on the way for men.

Well, I did it.

I picked up and moved to Minneapolis, Minnesota.
And to be honest, I couldn’t be happier.

To recap the story, I fell in love with a wonderful, inspiring girl who lives here. She’s the Lisa to my David. After making the decision that I needed some change of scenery, needed to scare the hell out of myself and needed to explore as many zoos, fields, parks, lakes, forests and city streets as possible with the aforementioned lady, I picked up and moved one thousand miles from home. Music took a temporary backseat, but I don’t think one could ask for a better distraction than happiness. Though, I’ll be damned if I become another statistical musician who loses steam when he stumbles over a little sunshine.

So what’s new?
I got one of these.

The lady and I captured this young mammoth when he was but a few weeks old. We call him Shark. Or Sharkey. Or Lemon Tiger Sand Shark. Or Zharque. Or pop.

Getting a dog when drunk may be worse than getting a tattoo after a few drinks–namely because tattoos aren’t alive–but I’m very happy with this decision. Even when that decision wakes me up at 4 AM because he wants to find and devour small pieces of corn on the cob hidden under miscellaneous shrubbery in the park.

Skyline.

I have a hard time imagining this place becoming Antarctica.

Weeping Willow Islands. You heard right, son.

I live in the south side of Minneapolis. Directly on Powderhorn Park, to be specific. The picture at the top of this post, in additions to the ones above are one of the many points visible from what is essentially my front yard. If Powderhorn Lake weren’t covered in pond scum and dead fish penises, you can bet your bottom dollar I’d be swimming in it all week.

Minneapolis–Southside in particular–has a ton of epic restaurants, groceries and peculiar shops, often consolidated into the same building. For example, a bar that girl and I go to on occasion is a bowling alley, restaurant,  bar, cabaret theater and spoken word poetry joint. There’s also a laundromat/arcade/ice cream parlor not too far from me. A true artifact of 90’s excess.

Summer is serious business in Minnesota. Which I guess makes sense, considering how abysmally cold the winters are. The park in front of my house is a daily circus, home to people juggling axes, riding unicycles, practicing tumbling and tai chi and one woman who seems to think side stepping across the park is an acceptable form of public exercise. There seem to be festivals, outdoor concerts, outdoor movies and some kind of insane bar special going on everyday. There’s so much going on in fact, that there are about 3 weekly papers, 4 websites dedicated to daily activities in the city and a bulletin board dressed in a thousand flyers in almost every local business. And there are a ton of local businesses. Quirkiness is everywhere.

Vans are made of grass here. What else do you want?

Cars are sold with dinosaur hood ornaments. What of it?

As far as Hip Hop goes, it’s pretty much everything you’d expect. There are some very dope local radio stations which play a ton of local artists, the scene is ripe and growing and knowledge of the indie scene seems to be far more widespread than back home. I was even at a local show about a month ago only to see Ant of Atmosphere smoking cigarettes on the outdoor patio. Shit is tight knit and beautiful here. I’m looking forward to getting involved.

I’ve got many more stories to share, so I’ll be blogging about my experiences in Minnesota from here on out, in addition to the usual nonsense. I just needed to find a way to break the news and explain the story up until this point. Musically, I’m back on the ball and have some interesting things underway. I’m going to avoid making announcements because, well, if you’re reading this you know how my announcements normally turn out. Let’s just say it involves a full length record for next year, a new mixtape for this year and a ton of shows in places I haven’t played in over 5 years. I hope to see you there.

Below are a few other photos that I couldn’t cleverly weave into my post.

From inside the skyline.

Fish have auras here.

Butterfly exhibit at Como Zoo. Thousands of these things.

Though the title of this post is “Boring”, I’m not going to bother you with a tedious documentation of my experiences this holiday season. Instead, I’m going to bring in the New Year by bidding farewell to an abused photographic trend of the early 00’s; the “girl-pretending-to-do-other-girl-from-behind” shot.

Shit is boring.
If luck is on my side, I might get to say goodbye to the (apparently unisex) “pursed lips” shot of more recent years soon. Hopefully.